Episode 4- What to do during a Meltdown-

My world was rocked about a year ago when I started diving into the world of connection and coregulation. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for embarking on this work. And how much it has facilitated change and sparked overwhelming excitement into my parent coaching, courses, and workshops. I feel like I am truly in alignment in talking about this work. This loop of connect-coregulate-recommend- it has fundamentally changed how I operate.

My top tips for caregivers during a meltdown:

1) Check yourself and your energy. Your child’s dysregulation is going to trigger your own brain to go into fight/fright/flight. Erase old tapes that say ‘you’re a bad parent’ or ‘you don’t have control’ or ‘you need to stop this right now or else they are going to turn out bad people’ (spoiler alert- old tapes I had to erase). I take a breath in and out, sometimes envisioning a triangle or a square (these are mindfulness techniques that work for me to bring me to the moment)

2) Words are powerful right now. Meaning- use as few as possible, or no words. Reassure that they are safe, you love them, and hold the boundaries. Validate feelings as appropriate. ‘You’re mad, you WANTED that COOKIE! They were delicious.’ Otherwise, try and limit talking. Oh and- please hold the limit if it’s based on family values.

3) Stay near your child (maintain safety, of course) and be mindful of your facial expression. I know it sounds wild, but when we are in our lower brain areas of fight/fright/flight, we look at facial expressions- so try and keep a calm and neutral face (go back to #1 as you need it)

4) Validate love and safety. ‘I love you. You’re safe.’ These are the other words that I think can be powerful. They appeal to the very scared/distraught brains. Angry brains are really scared brains- pure and simple. Anger is a derivation from fear. Scarcity, the unknown, the unpredictable, whatever it may be.

5) There is some brain science to suggest that being below eye level can reduce the threat for your child. Your hovering (from a primal perspective) suggests that you are a threat. Couple that with you yelling back or with an angry face- triple threat.

6) If safety is an issue, or you simply have to move them for safety, preview it first. ‘I love you. I have to move you because it’s not safe and I love you. I’m picking you up.’ (I know it’s hard to be gentle when kids have a hard time, but slow your own actions before you go to move your child to a safe area')

7) Remember your sweet child as they are when they go to sleep. They are sweet kids, just figuring out life.