It takes Two to...Regulate!

Hello everyone! (Psst- if you prefer to listen to this information, skip over to The Connected Caregiver Podcast here!)

If you noticed- this blog pressed pause for several months- it has been a wild few months, hasn’t it?!

Anyways, if you haven’t heard- my mom was diagnosed with cancer in early August; I decided to home school my daughter, and my business is doing amazing despite all of the challenges 2020 has thrown. So yes- it has been a little bit wild lately. I have to say- despite all of the challenges and emotions, I feel relatively focused and calm, all likely thanks to my amazing partner in crime (aka my husband) Adam. He collectively serves as a calming place and a place of support around every corner when I need it. He has stepped up in many areas this summer when I went and stayed with my mom while she went for treatment and continues to as we face a big upcoming surgery ahead for my mom.

He is my coregulation partner. And coregulation is such an important part of life. It takes two to communicate, and in my belief in these tough times, it also takes two to regulate.

Let’s break that apart, shall we?

The ‘it takes two to communicate’ probably makes sense to you. Having an interaction normally requires that it is between two people- a shared experience in the setting that you’re in. I always work with kids to understand that as soon as you start sharing space, it becomes a social experience. Which means we can invite people into our world, ask to join theirs, or share the space in an expected way (which, with COVID is the way things are happening mostly now). It takes two to make a communication interaction happen (hence why a relationship is much more challenging if one person is carrying most or all of the communication work).

It takes two to regulate is the basis of coregulation- our kids need us to be that safe harbor of support when they are having a hard time. When we set those loving limits- for safety, or because we know that 32 pieces of candy isn’t a good idea- we can acknowledge and help them connect the dots between their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. ‘Oh Troy, you’re feeling mad you can’t have that candy. You really wanted it. You thought it would be delicious and so much fun to have it now.’ (Maybe speaking from experience, maybe not…). The ability to introspect and reflect on these three things (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) develops into the mid twenties (metacognitive skill) à and sometimes even takes longer (hence why adults struggle with this!).

So, now we have discussed- it takes two to communicate. It takes two to regulate.

I want to also add on one more thought to this- We need to coregulate to communicate. 

Whhaattttt?

Ok- let’s talk about this, because it’s something that I’m really a big believer of in my parent sessions and in the work I’m doing. And I’m so passionate about it.

Let’s say you come home from the worst day ever. You got into a mini fender bender, lost all of the work you had saved, the boss said you were ‘tthisss close’ to being fired, and you rolled your ankle trying to rush to your car. You get home, and you start to tell your partner about your day, in an upset tone, and your partner goes ‘hey hey! It’s ok, it’s not a big deal. Why are you so upset. You can talk to your boss tomorrow, and then….’ Your partner keeps talking, but you’ve basically shut down and it’s now a one way street for communication. 

Instantly, your emotions go a little haywire. Why didn’t your partner listen? They don’t share that same experience! They don’t know what it feels like to be in your shoes! That interaction that could have been both ways (it takes two to communicate) turns into one way.  

Let’s say something different happens.

You come home from the worst day ever. You share the aforementioned details, and your partner sits next to you, and asks if it’s ok if they give you a hug (let’s say you like hugs, and if you don’t, they ask to hold your hand). They ask you to share more. They nod, they listen, and they walk through the story, as you connect the dots between your thoughts and feelings and behaviors. By the end, you’ve connected the dots with help from your partner. And in the end, you listen when your partner offers you some ideas to trouble shoot the problems you had.

It’s a different story, and communication stays open. We coregulate, then we communicate. Because you all have heard the story that when we are dysegulated, we are NOT in our thinking brain. We are in our very reactive brain- and that brain doesn’t do it’s best problem solving. Our dysregulated brain can be reactive instead of responsive; it is living in the fight, fright, flight, freeze zones. Once regulated, we can walk upstairs (metaphorically of course) into our thinking brain and problem solve effectively. If you haven’t read about the upstairs/downstairs brain by Dan Siegel, please do- his work in this area has been phenomenal.  

We can empathize more with our kids. We don’t know how exactly big their problems feel, but remember their life experiences are so much shorter and so less varied than ours are. So what we perceive as little, are really big deals. So being present, helping our littles connect the dots AND still holding loving limits à our kids feel safe, secure, seen, and soothed (Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson-) and we can coregulate and then communicate.

This work feels even more important for our neurodiverse learners. The ability to shift and regulate is differently developing for a lot of our neurodiverse learners- making it so important to connect and coregulate first before we shift into teaching and communicating. While I would argue coregulation in and of itself is an act of communication (a loving act)- the traditional talk and teach is what I think of that typically happens. We try and ‘talk at’ our learners who are struggling instead of stepping into their world and experiencing their thoughts and feelings. I always loved the Floortime/DIR approach- long before I knew of coregulation. This makes a lot more sense to me now.

My work is taking me along a beautiful road- I am shifting more towards doing the work I love of supporting inclusivity and awareness about neurodiversity in our classrooms (making sure I am careful of how I approach, teach, and learn as a fairly neurotypical professional). It is imperative to me that as someone who gets the opportunity to learn from neurodiverse learners all the time, my work is consistently mindful of not being ableist and always celebrating learners for who they are and the gifts and talents they bring. Tools can be shared, but my work really should focus on how to heighten a child’s ability to be successful- and success is based on the child/family dynamic and what they are looking for. 

Your takeaways from today:

·      Take notice of how coregulation plays a role for you as an adult. Who do you call when you are upset and need to connect with someone? How does it feel when someone brushes off your emotions?

·      As a parent or professional, take notice of how coregulation impacts your ability to communicate with your child(ren) and students. Take an extra second to empathize with the struggles your child/student is having.

·      Keep the phrase ‘It takes two to communicate & it takes two to regulate) tucked away in your cap. Remember that when your child/student is having a hard time. Co regulation can be a hard ask when we are tired and drained (Self-care podcast for another day) but it is so, so meaningful for the beautiful souls that are around.

Make sure to follow me @msdaniellekent on instagram for more notes on connection, coregulation, and teaching problem solving/social communication!