Episode 34: My self-regulation journey

Hello, everyone!  Welcome to another episode of the Teaching and Raising Problem Solvers podcast.  

I had recorded this episode last week and had planned to launch it on Monday and I was off for the last 12-14 days on break with my kids, so I didn’t realize that the episode didn’t launch on Monday.  Several of you in Instagram messages let me know that the episode didn’t launch, so thank you for letting me know.  I don’t know what happened to it.  It’s disappeared.  

One of my greatest strengths in my self-regulation profile is that I tend to not get too distracted by the problem.  So let me tell you a quick story.

Several years ago I was providing some professional development to a group of educators for higher education, and about 4 minutes into the presentation, power went out.  Everything went out.  I had been projecting up on the screen, I was using a bunch of technology, and the power all went out.  So I just had my computer that had the slides pulled up on it, and I didn’t get distracted by that problem. 

The power went out; that was the problem.  But my original plan was to present to this group of educators.  So I just switched my plan.  I just switched the how of that.  I didn’t get distracted by the problem.  I just said, “All right, everybody–let’s get in as close as we can.”  (This was pre-Covid, so scooching in nice and close wasn’t something people were wary of at that time.) 

Everyone scooched around my computer screen, so they could be closer (it was probably a group of 20-30 educators), and I just presented that way.  And videos I had planned to show from the internet, I obviously couldn’t share them, but I said, “no problem–I’ll put them in a Google slide.”  I described the videos to people, and I said, “I’ll share the slide with you when I’m back to internet and then you can watch the videos.”  

But I think one of my greatest strengths in my self-regulation profile (and this is kind of getting to what today’s episode is about) is that when I run into problems, I don’t get really distracted by the problem – unless it’s something that really warrants the attention, and then yes, I do put my attention towards that. 

But typically when problems pop up, we have a choice.  We can either get distracted by the problem or we can say, “What was my original plan?  What was my original goal?” and then, “How can I make a different plan to get to that goal?”

So in my story example, my goal was to present to this group of educators on how to use technology through virtual teaching.  Obviously, this was pre-Covid, so it was not familiar to many educators.  Obviously, I feel like educators now are rock stars and could probably lead me on several of those areas.  But my goal stayed the same.  I just had to change my plan to get to that goal.  I didn’t get distracted by the problem of the internet going out.  And I feel like that’s where a lot of us can become dysregulated, is when we get distracted by the problem.

One of the greatest tools as part of my self-regulation journey is really developing a relationship with myself.  And that has happened a lot over the last year as I’ve kind of embarked on my own coaching journey, because I’ve learned through a lot of research, a lot of coaching, a lot of experience, that our ability to be accountable to ourselves, our ability to set goals and hold to them involves us really having a close, accepting relationship with ourself.  And one of the things I’ve been slowly unpacking over the last several years is that I am sometimes at war with some of the ways that I perceive myself, or the ways that I think about myself or that I see myself doing things.  I have wished in the past that they could be different.

One of the most powerful tools for me over the last several years is beginning to distinguish between: Is this something I have a fixed mindset around?  Is this something that I could benefit from really seeing that I can grow my skills here?  Or is this really something I don’t enjoy, and therefore I don’t need to look to become better or enjoy it?  I think that’s been something really important for me, is when I’m in situations with people or when I’m in situations in an activity and I find myself maybe not enjoying or aligning with it, growing my skills to be aware of: is this something where I’m having all-or-nothing thinking (which is what I’ve been working on a ton in coaching)?  Is this something where I could be more flexible, grow my skills, develop more tolerance?  Or is this something that maybe I don’t necessarily need to continue to be part of?  

I have historically kind of thought of myself as somebody who could grow skills everywhere, and should grow skills everywhere, and as I’ve developed the journey with myself, I’ve slowly started to unpack: where do I want to grow my skills, and how do I want to grow my skills, based on who I am.  What do I enjoy?  What truly brings me joy?  What truly makes me feel calm?  What truly is on my path to self-actualization, that highest order of self, that highest purpose in life. 

These are big questions, but when you start working on the relationship with yourself, when you know who you are–and for many of you, sometimes that takes a lot of unpacking–and I’m a big proponent of therapy; I’m a big advocate for going to therapy to help develop the relationship with yourself.

But as I’ve developed this relationship with myself, my self-regulation has dramatically improved.  As I’ve become aware of my thoughts – when those thoughts creep up of, “I just wish I was better at this” or “I wish I enjoyed this more,” as I’ve become more aware of those thoughts, I’ve been able to pause them, be aware of them, hold onto them, and then figure out what to do with them.  I’m not always trying to stop or interrupt – a big first step was that awareness of those thoughts – and then holding them with love, and then acknowledging in that situation and trying to get to the truth of, “is this something that i want to be part of or want to be good at, want to improve my skills, or is this something that I can release, if it’s not something that I’m good at or enjoy, whatever it is.”  And that’s okay with me.

I can look at the whole scenario – zoom out and figure out if it’s with people that I love, I can zoom out and figure out, “okay, I love being with these people.  This may not be an activity that I enjoy, but these are people that I love.”  So working on that awareness of self, working on that relationship with myself.  That is the best tool as adults that we can have to improving our self-regulation.  Because in that, we develop the capacity to be aware of our thoughts and emotions and energy states, and we then can really learn about how they are operating in the path to accomplishing the goals that we have for ourselves.

So – I hope this was a nice short, quick blip of tips for moving forward in your self-regulation journey.  As always, feel free to friend me on Instagram, tag me at msdaniellekent, or shoot me a message if you enjoyed this podcast or if you have any questions.

I hope you have a fantastic rest of your day, and I’ll talk to you all in the next episode.