Recommendation- The last part of the Cycle
The last part of the cycle- Recommendation-is where we actually apply the strategies for supporting our kids in their problem solving and regulation development.
The key note is- if we don’t do the work before this- the Connection and the Coregulation- then our strategies often fall by the wayside. Kids listen when they feel listened to, and they will trust strategies when adults have shown that they will be there to support them.
The last phase- AFTER you have CONNECTED, REGULATED WITH- involves supporting your CHILD to problem solve. You put on your coach glasses and you say, ‘alright- let’s talk about this problem’- and then you step back.
Let me give an example-
Just today, my daughter was putting her boots on and we were literally running out the door- running behind a little bit to make it to a meeting. She accidentally knocked over the rice bin that my son uses for sensory play- WOOSH- rice everywhere. All over the place. A big mess. We were late.
Here’s how the steps looked for me:
1) Ok, breathe. Check my emotions first and just state the facts of what happened- there is rice on the floor. An accident happened. Press pause on the immediate negative self talk that starts swirling and can cause you to get a little heightened. (CONNECTION)
2) Check in with Maddy- note out loud what happened. (CONNECTION) Wait as calmly and expectantly as possible. She seemed a little upset so I modeled slow breathing (COREGULATION)
3) Offer neutral problem solving statements like ‘Hmm, what could we do here’ (note use of WE, not YOU- letting younger kids know you’re there to help)
4) Be a step BEHIND to support Maddy as she figures out what to do. Encouraging active problem solving by supporting and offering insight into ideas offered (‘yes, we could wait to pick it up, but Harley MIGHT eat it all. What do you think?’)
Truthfully- I bit my tongue several times- but in the end she drove the boat and cleaned up on her own. We were running behind and it was another opportunity to problem solve- ‘Hey Maddy, what do you think I should do?’
If you are longing for more peace in problem solving or conflict in your household, make sure you are signed up for my caregiver workshop, coming for the first time in May! Click here for details and to Pre-register!