Teaching our Kids about Failure
Suzy Kassem is the best known author for this quote- although several names are also tagged when you look up this quote!
HELLO! Happy TUESDAY!
First of all, I hope this blog post finds you well. I wish we were sitting together, having a cup of coffee (doesn’t matter if it’s nighttime, I LOVE COFFEE) and enjoying conversation.
Second of all- did you HEAR?! THE CONNECTED CAREGIVER PODCAST LAUNCHES TODAY WITH A THREE DAY JUMPSTART SERIES! It’s all about my cycle of recommendations (Connection, Regulation, Recommendation). It gets you in the groove and ready for the rest of the Podcast series. This Podcast will come out each week on the same day as my Blog (aka, TUESDAYS) so if you are more of a listener than a reader, I GOT YOU!
Recording the podcasts for the jumpstart was such a strong reminder of the importance of teaching our kids the value of Failure.
Let me back up for a second- how do YOU define failure?
I used to define failure as not getting it right- or completely flopping. Not having it go my own way. I have massively changed my mindset through a TON OF PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT and some growth mindset work. (PSA-There are many catchy acronym definitions for FAIL- first attempt in learning, first attempt in living- etc. that are helpful to check out as you rewire your brain around ‘failure’- Essentially- they are all saying that failure is a necessary part of growing a changing- BEING HUMAN THAT IS) So before you keep reading, how do you define failure? Check it here at the blog.- comment below if it feels right- but think about what FAIL means to you.
Anyways- back to the story. Figuring out how to record podcasts has been such a journey for me (PSST- I have another Podcast The Aligned Professional that is geared towards Therapists and Educators that I started back in February, so I have had some experience in this journey! I also cohost a Podcast Reframe your Brain with my amazing colleague Leah Sophrin). Most of my podcasts require writing down notes/organizing my thinking prior to recording. Then comes recording, adding in sound effects, and editing. Then posting and sharing. SO MANY STEPS. And when I first went to start a podcast- it felt so overwhelming I wanted to quit. I was frustrated I didn’t know what to do and so the easier road was to quit- because then at least I couldn’t fail, right? That was my old thinking. I squashed that, and got to work. I talked with Maddy often about how hard it was to learn the equipment and software and editing. I showed frustration and also strategies (I am going to take a break because this is hard!). I showed my disappointment when my first episode only got 3 listeners but I vowed to stay the course because it felt meaningful for me (Side note, there is a much improved steady stream of listeners now, and I’m rly hoping for the same for the Connected Caregiver podcast too!!!)
Our kids watch us closely and are getting a steady flow of information from all angles that supports instant gratification and no need to delay and work hard for things (and in fact, that having to WAIT or not be immediately successful- is NOT GOOD). Video games, phones, emails, texts, social media apps give dings and tings that actually drop a little dope of dopamine (feel gooooood chemical in our brain) so we want more of it, and more of it. No app or game makes you work through 10 levels without reinforcement because they know most kids would give up because it’s not a taught skill. So kids are getting the sense that waiting- not being immediately successful, or not getting it right on the first try- those are BAD THINGS.
Letting our kids flop a little, struggle a little (maybe a LOT)- IT IS HARD. I am the first to raise my hand and agree that the discomfort of watching your kid struggle in a situation is hard. Painful. And nearly EVERY BONE IN MY BODY wants to step in and prevent my kids from hurt. But I remind myself- every time- that learning curves are necessary for resilience. Most parents wish for resilience for their children, but most also come quickly swooping in when things go wrong because it’s hard to have your child not be immediately successful. But if we can bite our tongues, grip our feet into the floor, and let our kids try and figure it out, they will build the skills they need.
Some take away ideas:
If your child is struggling with an assignment, ask them what is hard about it and flip the script to ask THEM how they can problem solve it
If your child gets into a disagreement with a friend, take a coach role and listen and support them to problem solve around it
If your child experiences disappointment, be there with them in it. Love them through it. Temptation will come in to make it all better, but try and just be with your kids in their disappointment (it’s hard. Really hard).
So what do you think? How will you try this during this week? I wish you a wonderful week- and make sure to check out The Connected Caregiver podcast and leave me some feedback!
-Danielle