What to Do During a Meltdown- Tips & Strategies
My world was rocked about a year ago when I started diving into the world of connection and coregulation. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for embarking on this work. And how much it has facilitated change and sparked overwhelming excitement into my parent coaching, courses, and workshops. I feel like I am truly in alignment in talking about this work. This loop of connect-coregulate-recommend- it has fundamentally changed how I operate.
In last week’s class of my Problem Solvers Course (the first round started July 15, next round slated to start September 1!) I talked extensively about how we have to be really mindful of old tapes and old stories about how we respond to children’s ‘behaviors’- and please note I put ‘behaviors’ in quotation marks.
In 2020, there is still this overwhelming consensus that meltdowns, talking back, and refusals are ‘bad behavior.’ Behavior that needs to be nixed, fixed, and corrected. You know what I’ve come to realize? Well, I guess I should start with- the brain science is really helping us make strides here. And I am here to just push that work along!
First of all- our young kids and their brains- they develop their lower brain first (fight, fright, flight), their right hemisphere first (the emotional side) and they have zero concept of time, or problem size because life exists AS THEY KNOW IT THAT MOMENT. Second- these ‘behaviors’ are often the byproduct of kids seeking validation, assurance, and comfort. They are the byproduct of kids saying, tell me I’m safe. Tell me I’m safe and secure. Tell me you love me. (Read: The Power of Showing Up for more details on the 4s’s in parenthood). Loving your kids and validating their feelings while still setting limits isn’t spoiling your kids- it’s leaving space for them to show/feel feelings while also providing boundaries.
In kids that I work with who struggle with communication and may be wired differently, I’m increasingly curious about the power of coregulation. The power of saying ‘I see you, and I hear you, and you are safe.’ The power of just being there and standing in love when our kids are having a hard time. I love you, through the good and the hard and I believe your experience as you are seeing it, even if I don’t see it the same . Powerful messages, right?!
My top tips for caregivers during a meltdown:
1) Check yourself and your energy. Your child’s dysregulation is going to trigger your own brain to go into fight/fright/flight. Erase old tapes that say ‘you’re a bad parent’ or ‘you don’t have control’ or ‘you need to stop this right now or else they are going to turn out bad people’ (spoiler alert- old tapes I had to erase). I take a breath in and out, sometimes envisioning a triangle or a square (these are mindfulness techniques that work for me to bring me to the moment)
2) Words are powerful right now. Meaning- use as few as possible, or no words. Reassure that they are safe, you love them, and hold the boundaries. Validate feelings as appropriate. ‘You’re mad, you WANTED that COOKIE! They were delicious.’ Otherwise, try and limit talking. Oh and- please hold the limit if it’s based on family values.
3) Stay near your child (maintain safety, of course) and be mindful of your facial expression. I know it sounds wild, but when we are in our lower brain areas of fight/fright/flight, we look at facial expressions- so try and keep a calm and neutral face (go back to #1 as you need it)
4) Validate love and safety. ‘I love you. You’re safe.’ These are the other words that I think can be powerful. They appeal to the very scared/distraught brains. Angry brains are really scared brains- pure and simple. Anger is a derivation from fear. Scarcity, the unknown, the unpredictable, whatever it may be.
5) There is some brain science to suggest that being below eye level can reduce the threat for your child. Your hovering (from a primal perspective) suggests that you are a threat. Couple that with you yelling back or with an angry face- triple threat.
6) If safety is an issue, or you simply have to move them for safety, preview it first. ‘I love you. I have to move you because it’s not safe and I love you. I’m picking you up.’ (I know it’s hard to be gentle when kids have a hard time, but slow your own actions before you go to move your child to a safe area')
7) Remember your sweet child as they are when they go to sleep. They are sweet kids, just figuring out life.
Was this helpful? Please feel free to share questions/comments- I’ll try and respond as able.